


Perspective betrays with its dichotomy

by zinjadu



Series: Never Put Together Entirely [9]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age II
Genre: F/M, Purple Hawke, but maybe not this time?, fucks things up by looking at them, hawke the drunken hot mess of a person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-13 11:38:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14111550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zinjadu/pseuds/zinjadu
Summary: Mid-Act 3, life is crazy, and all of Kirkwall is looking to the Champion to keep things sane, and she's gone to her best friend to find a little sanity.Then oops.





	Perspective betrays with its dichotomy

“… and they’re all looking at _me_ , _me!_   Like I can fix this?  How the _fuck_ am I supposed to fix _any_ of this?” Marian railed, gesturing wildly with the bottle in her hand before sinking to the floor of Varric’s rooms at the Hanged Man. 

 

It was better to be here than the Estate.  The Estate was empty.  Oh sure, Bodahn and Sandal and Orana were there, but it wasn’t right.  Wasn’t her place.  She’d felt so proud when she’d first gotten the Amell Estate back.  Now it felt like the building was mocking her.  All that space, and just her taking it up.  Varric, solid, reliable Varric, always letting her pour her stupid heart out on his floor, circled around the table and held her by the shoulders. 

 

“It’s not all on you, Hawke.  You got us, remember?  We’ll back you, no matter what Meredith and Orsino do,” he told her, that rumbling voice of his a comfort, a real thing in a world that made exactly no sense.  Her head fell forward, hitting his chest, and he wrapped his arms around her. 

 

“You’ve always been there,” she said, lifting her head to look up at him.  Like this, her on her ass on the floor and him standing, she actually had to look up.

 

“Always will be, you know that,” he said, and then they both froze, struck by how this moment looked and felt.  One of two ways this could go, forward or back, forward or back.  Marian’s fingers curled the fabric of his shirt, always unbuttoned, her lips parting slightly.  Varric’s hands cupped her face, thumbs tracing the line of her cheeks, and like iron filings to a lodestone, their lips met. 

 

* * *

 

Marian’s eyes snapped open.  Normally, she woke reluctantly, head under the covers until she could bear to get to her drinks cabinet sort of thing.  But this.  *This* called for immediate damage control.  This should not have happened.  Sliding out of the bed, the sheets delightfully silky, oh she knew that very well by now, she pulled on her clothes in the dim light of the room, but not quietly enough.

 

“Hawke?  You… leaving?” Varric rumbled, and she froze, her mind screaming an entirely unhelpful refrain of _shitshitshitshit_ interspersed with the equally pointless _don’t fuck this up Hawke!_ because that ship had well and truly sailed now. 

 

“Oh you know, lots to do in a city that seems bent on destroying itself every three years,” she said lightly, falsely, as she stuffed her feet into her boots.

 

“Hawke…” he tried again, sitting up, and she did not look.  She’d really done it this time. 

 

“See you later, Varric,” she said, going for breezy but it sounded brittle.  And Marian Hawke, the Champion of Kirkwall, ran away.

 

* * *

 

“Marian Hawke is a coward and an idiot, let us count the ways!” Marian sang to herself in the library, another bottle of… something in her hand.  Probably wine.  Hard liquor should be for afternoon.  Not that she stuck by that rule.  Or any rule.  Save one: don’t fuck your friends.

Another day, another failure in her life.  Most excellent.

 

“Hawke!” a voice rang through the estate, Varric’s voice. 

 

“Please, Master Tethras, she asked not to be disturbed today,” Bodahn said, trying in vain to prevent the other dwarf from finding her. 

 

“Oh, I’m sure she did, but this is important,” she heard Varric say, and then there he was, striding through the doorway, Bodahn on heels, looking so anxious, Marian couldn’t bring herself to yell at him.

 

“It’s fine, Bodahn.  If Varric says its important, it must be,” she told him, and the dwarf sketched a bow before leaving, thoughtfully closing the door behind him.

 

“Bit early, even for you,” Varric said, gently taking the bottle out of her hand.  She let him, but refused to acknowledge his presence.  If only he would go _away_ , if only he would let it be forgotten.  They could go back to being _friends_.  Friends were better.

 

“Come on, Hawke, talk to me,” he cajoled, and she glared at him, blue eyes like chips of ice.

 

“Talk to you?  What do you want me to say, Varric?  That we fucked?  That it was good?  Was, by the way, there you go.  You can leave now,” she rattled off, flipping her hand at him dismissively.  Varric, however remained unmoved, and she launched herself from her chair to pace the floor. 

 

“What do you want to hear, Varric?  That I love you?  That I’ve loved you for a while now?  Because I have, but I haven’t said a damned thing, not one damned, _fucking_ thing.  You know why?  Because I ruin everything I touch, if you haven’t noticed, and I can’t… I couldn’t… I will ruin the best friendship I’ve ever had now,” she said at the last, voice faltering.  She wanted the bottle back, either to drink from or throw in the fire, she wasn’t sure.  Maybe both. 

 

“Hawke,” he said softly, and she looked at him, really looked, but she couldn’t define what she saw in his eyes.  Something determined, something kind, something… like love?  “You can ruin something a lot worse by not even trying in the first place.”

 

“Oh.”

**Author's Note:**

> Then jet the blue tent topple, stars rain down,  
> and god or void appall us till we drown  
>  in our own tears: today we start  
> to pay the piper with each breath, yet love  
> knows not of death nor calculus above  
>  the simple sum of heart plus heart.  
> \-- "Love is a Parallax", Sylvia Plath


End file.
